


Betting on a Bumming

by Marksider89



Series: A Strange Sense of Normalcy [1]
Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Chatlogs, Chatting & Messaging, Comedy, F/F, F/M, Gambling, Humor, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-03-28 00:33:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13892475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marksider89/pseuds/Marksider89
Summary: Tracer makes a bet with Widowmaker, with some unexpected consequences.





	1. The Challenge

**Author's Note:**

> (Obligatory Disclaimer) "Overwatch" and all characters belong to Activision/Blizzard. I do not own them and make no money off their usage in this story.
> 
> This is my first Overwatch fanfic, so I hope you like it, and any constructive criticism is welcome.
> 
> Inspired by "Overwatch Emergency Communication Channel (I Swear, It's Emergency Only)" by ArcaneAdagio.  
> Inspired by "Emily Is Away" by Game_of_Thorns.

**[WINSTON has entered DANKALICIOUS]**  
  
WINSTON: ...  
WINSTON: Who changed the channel name?  
  
 **[D.VA has entered DANKALICIOUS]**  
  
D.VA: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
  
WINSTON: Why am I not surprised?  
WINSTON: For the last time, Hana, this isn't a chatroom.  
WINSTON: This is an emergency communications channel.  
WINSTON: It's supposed to be, anyway.  
  
D.VA: not my fault u dont know how to run a chatroom :P  
D.VA: plus this thing rarely get used  
D.VA: just let me have my fun  
  
WINSTON: ...  
WINSTON: I'm just going to move on,  
WINSTON: for the sake of my sanity.  
WINSTON: @TRACER I have a mission for you.  
  
 **[TRACER has entered DANKALICIOUS]**  
  
TRACER: Winston  
TRACER: luv  
TRACER: why?  
TRACER: You know it's my week off.  
TRACER: You promised me n Emily that you'd give me 1 week off per month so we could still spend time together.  
  
 **[EMILY has entered DANKALICIOUS]**  
  
EMILY: @WINSTON ಠ_ಠ  
  
WINSTON: I'm sorry.  
WINSTON: I really am.  
WINSTON: but we've recieved a report that Widowmaker is in London  
WINSTON: and you're the only one in the area  
WINSTON: so 76 and I would like you to investigate.  
  
 **[SOMBRA has entered DANKALICIOUS]**  
  
SOMBRA: lol yeah shes in london  
  
D.VA: what r u doing here?!  
  
SOMBRA: Ive been here for months  
SOMBRA: I was hoping to spy on u all  
SOMBRA: get some intel  
SOMBRA: or at least some juicy goss  
SOMBRA: but all you guys talk about is random crap  
SOMBRA: stuff like  
SOMBRA: who wants pizza?  
SOMBRA: wheres my hat?  
SOMBRA: who clogged the toilet?  
SOMBRA: anyone seen my ballgag?  
  
WINSTON: ...What?  
  
SOMBRA: you don't wanna know.  
  
WINSTON: ...  
WINSTON: I think you're right.  
  
SOMBRA: XD  
SOMBRA: anyway  
  
 **[SOMBRA has added WIDOWMAKER to DANKALICIOUS]**  
  
SOMBRA: @WIDOWMAKER get in here, chica  
  
 **[WIDOWMAKER has entered DANKALICIOUS]**  
  
WIDOWMAKER: What do you want, Sombra?  
  
SOMBRA: lol welcome to the overwatch chatroom  
  
WINSTON: It's not...nevermind.  
  
WIDOWMAKER: You hacked into Overwatch's communicators and didn't tell anyone?  
  
SOMBRA: I am under no obligation to do so  
SOMBRA: besides, they havent said anything worth telling talon about  
SOMBRA: moving on  
SOMBRA: ur in london right?  
  
WIDOWMAKER: Yes.  
WIDOWMAKER: It is just a simple reconnaissance mission.  
WIDOWMAKER: Honestly though, I hate these types of missions.  
  
SOMBRA: I thought u were supposed to be patient.  
  
WIDOWMAKER: I am,  
WIDOWMAKER: when I am waiting to kill.  
WIDOWMAKER: But I'm not allowed to kill while on recon.  
WIDOWMAKER: Unless I hear otherwise from Talon.  
WIDOWMAKER: Or if I have been compromised  
WIDOWMAKER: and it's absolutely necessary.  
WIDOWMAKER: ...but even I cannot fight ennui after a week of following some grotesquely obese businessman around and cataloging his movements.  
  
EMILY: ...  
EMILY: So that's her, right?  
EMILY: The one who killed Mondatta?  
  
TRACER: ...yeah.  
  
WIDOWMAKER: Oui.  
WIDOWMAKER: That was me.  
WIDOWMAKER: One of my finest kills.  
  
EMILY: So you gonna do it Lena?  
  
TRACER: "do it"?  
  
EMILY: You know...  
EMILY: What we talked about. ;)  
  
TRACER: You were serious??  
  
EMILY: Of course.  
  
TRACER: (>///<)  
  
EMILY: Lol  
EMILY: You're so cute when ur flustered. <3  
  
TRACER: ...  
TRACER: well...  
TRACER: if you're absolutely sure...  
  
EMILY: I am.  
  
TRACER: you realize that im gonna go all-in on this, right?  
  
EMILY: I wouldn't expect any less. ^_^  
EMILY: Go get her, luv. <3  
  
TRACER: ...  
TRACER: <3  
  
D.VA: i have no idea whats going on  
D.VA: but i think i like it  
  
SOMBRA: me too :P  
  
TRACER: @WIDOWMAKER  
  
WIDOWMAKER: Oui?  
  
TRACER: How bout taking a break from watching some fat bloke shove burgers into his gob...  
TRACER: and indulge me in a little bet?  
  
WIDOWMAKER: A bet?  
  
TRACER: yeah  
  
WIDOWMAKER: ...  
  
SOMBRA: dont worry araña  
SOMBRA: I won't tell talon if you do it  
  
WIDOWMAKER: I'm listening.  
  
TRACER: alright then  
TRACER: first, the stakes  
TRACER: if i win, you join overwatch  
TRACER: become me n Emilys gf  
TRACER: and u let dr ziegler try to undo what talon did to u  
  
WIDOWMAKER: ...and when you lose?  
  
TRACER: ha  
TRACER: nice try  
TRACER: _if_ i lose  
TRACER: Emily n i will join Talon and become ur personal slaves  
  
D.VA: !!!  
D.VA: WHAAT!?  
  
TRACER: ..and by that i mean you are the only one who can give us orders or have any physical contact with us.  
  
WINSTON: Lena you can't be serious!  
  
TRACER: relax, you haven't even heard the challenge yet  
  
WIDOWMAKER: I confess, your confidence makes me curious as to what the challenge will be.  
  
TRACER: Alright then, the challenge:  
TRACER: You come over to me n emilys apartment  
TRACER: take off ur clothes  
TRACER: and get on our bed  
TRACER: and i get 10 minutes to try and give u an orgasm  
  
D.VA: omg  
  
SOMBRA: ooo i like it  
  
WIDOWMAKER: ...that's it?  
  
TRACER: Yep. That's it.  
  
WIDOWMAKER: Is this a joke?  
  
TRACER: no joke  
TRACER: u in?  
  
SOMBRA: I say go for it  
  
WINSTON: Lena,  
WINSTON: Are you seriously willing to join Talon and become a slave...  
WINSTON: just so you can have sex with Widowmaker???  
  
TRACER: I know what im doing, winston.  
TRACER: ur just gonna have to trust me on this one.  
  
WINSTON: ...  
WINSTON: Emily, are you really alright with this?  
  
EMILY: I know my girl,  
EMILY: and I know she'll win.  
  
TRACER: <3  
  
EMILY: <3  
  
WINSTON: I'm honestly not sure how to respond to all of this.  
  
TRACER: well, to be fair, Widow hasn't agreed to the bet yet  
TRACER: @WIDOWMAKER well?  
  
WIDOWMAKER: Do you even know the changes that have been made to me?  
  
TRACER: yeah, yeah, i know  
TRACER: slowed heart, dulled nerves, supressed memories  
TRACER: if anything, that puts the odds in ur favor, yeah?  
  
WIDOWMAKER: You have a point.  
WIDOWMAKER: Very well,  
WIDOWMAKER: I accept your challenge.  
  
TRACER: Righto  
TRACER: Just make ur way to kings row  
TRACER: let me know when u get there  
TRACER: & i'll pm u where to go from there  
  
WIDOWMAKER: Very well.  
WIDOWMAKER: I shall see you soon, chérie.  
  
 **[WIDOWMAKER has left DANKALICIOUS]**  
  
TRACER: ...  
TRACER: bloody hell she said yes  
  
SOMBRA: were you expecting her to say no?  
  
TRACER: kinda yeah  
  
 **[JESSE MCCREE has entered DANKALICIOUS]**  
  
MCCREE: man, chats pretty lively today  
MCCREE: whats goin on?  
  
SOMBRA: lol just read up vaquero  
  
MCCREE: ...  
MCCREE: Lena...  
MCCREE: You know what I gotta do now, right?  
  
TRACER: yeah go ahead  
TRACER: after all  
TRACER: it's overwatch tradition  
  
EMILY: ?  
  
D.VA: ?  
  
SOMBRA: ?  
  
MCCREE: @EVERYONE  
MCCREE: Get in here a start bettin  
MCCREE: I got $50 on Widow  
  
WINSTON: I'm not getting involved in this.  
WINSTON: But I wish you the best of luck, Lena.  
  
TRACER: thanks big guy <3  
  
 **[WINSTON has left DANKALICIOUS]**  
  
TRACER: also  
TRACER: youre betting against me jesse?!?  
  
MCCREE: Nothin personal darlin  
MCCREE: Just goin with what we know about Widowmaker  
MCCREE: If it helps, I hope you win  
MCCREE: But you got yer work cut out for ya  
  
TRACER: thanks i think  
  
EMILY: Are you seriously betting on this?  
  
MCCREE: It's like Lena said...  
MCCREE: It _is_ Overwatch tradition  
MCCREE: Whenever a challenge is made  
MCCREE: We place bets  
  
 **[GENJI SHIMADA has entered DANKALICIOUS]**  
  
GENJI: It is a tradition with a long and storied past  
GENJI: My favorite was probably the twinkie bet  
  
MCCREE: Oh man I remember that!  
  
D.VA: deets plz!  
  
MCCREE: What?  
  
D.VA: details!  
  
MCCREE: oh  
MCCREE: right  
MCCREE: well to be fair  
MCCREE: I don't know how the bet came about  
MCCREE: I was just there when it took place  
MCCREE: Basically it was Liao, Jack, n Gabe  
MCCREE: Jack n Gabe had to do a challenge  
MCCREE: If Jack won, Gabe owed him $1000  
MCCREE: If Gabe won, Jack owed him $1000  
MCCREE: If the both succeeded, Liao owed them both $1000  
MCCREE: If they both failed, they both owed Liao $1000  
  
SOMBRA: ...and what was the challenge  
SOMBRA: im assuming it has to do with a twinkie  
  
MCCREE: yup  
MCCREE: the challenge was...  
MCCREE: Jack n Gabe both had to try to swallow a twinkie whole  
  
D.VA: omg lmao  
  
SOMBRA: XD  
SOMBRA: who won?  
SOMBRA: i NEED to know  
SOMBRA: please say it was gabe  
  
MCCREE: drumroll please  
  
GENJI: *imitates drumroll*  
  
MCCREE: thank you kindly  
  
GENJI: np  
  
MCCREE: the winner was...  
MCCREE: Jack  
  
D.VA: omg yes  
  
SOMBRA: mierda  
SOMBRA: still funny though  
  
GENJI: hey jesse  
  
MCCREE: yeah?  
  
GENJI: did reyes ever pay jack?  
  
MCCREE: dunno  
  
SOMBRA: ask him  
  
MCCREE: Jacks never in the chat  
MCCREE: plus I doubt hed wanna even talk about gabe  
  
SOMBRA: i didnt mean jack  
  
MCCREE: ?  
  
 **[SOMBRA has added REAPER to DANKALICIOUS]**  
  
SOMBRA: ~oh gaaaaabe~  
  
GENJI: what?  
  
MCCREE: wtf!?  
  
 **[REAPER has entered DANKALICIOUS]**  
  
REAPER: **What do you want Sombra?**  
REAPER: **The hell is this?**  
  
SOMBRA: its the overwatch chatroom/comms channel  
  
REAPER: **Oh**  
REAPER: **This shit again?**  
  
MCCREE: Boss!?  
  
REAPER: **...McCree.**  
  
GENJI: Reyes.  
  
REAPER: **Shimada.**  
  
SOMBRA: the cowboy had a question for you  
  
REAPER: **What?**  
  
MCCREE: ...  
MCCREE: okay  
MCCREE: took me a minute to process this  
MCCREE: so Gabe  
  
REAPER: **Don't call me that.**  
  
MCCREE: did you ever pay Jack for the twinkie bet?  
  
REAPER: **Seriously?**  
REAPER: **That's your question?**  
  
MCCREE: just answer dammit  
  
REAPER: **I've done many bad things in my life, McCree.**  
REAPER: **but one thing I've never done is flake on a bet.**  
  
SOMBRA: let me guess  
SOMBRA: if you had known  
SOMBRA: you would have started paying jack to swallow a lot sooner  
  
D.VA: EEW  
D.VA: X(  
D.VA: XD  
  
GENJI: oh god  
  
MCCREE: jfc  
MCCREE: thank you for that nightmare fuel Sombra  
  
SOMBRA: yw lol  
  
 **[D.VA has changed the channel name to SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**  
  
GENJI: Oh my.  
  
TRACER: BWAHAHAHAH!!!  
  
SOMBRA: I just spit out my drink!  
  
MCCREE: SOMEBODY HELP ME FIND THE FUCKIN BLEACH!!!!  
  
REAPER: **I hate you all.**  
  
 **[SOLDIER:76 has entered SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**  
  
76: Did someone mention betting?  
  
REAPER: ...  
  
76: ...  
  
 **[REAPER has left SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**  
  
SOMBRA: hell be back  
SOMBRA: trust me :)  
  
MCCREE: *sigh*  
MCCREE: Just read up Jack  
  
76: ...  
76: Okay...  
76: I have a few questions.  
  
GENJI: go ahead  
  
D.VA: no promises youll get answers u want tho  
  
76: Okay.  
76: ...I _was_ going to ask why there are Talon agents in the chat...  
76: but I can see why just from reading up.  
76: So, first; What is a civilian doing in the chat?  
  
EMILY: Rude.  
  
TRACER: yeah she has a name u know >:(  
  
76: Fine.  
76: What is Emily doing in the chat?  
  
TRACER: Yeah i accidentally left my comm at the apartment and she found it  
TRACER: Winston agreed that its probably a good idea for her to have it in case of emergency  
TRACER: Plus she can act as a sorta civillian lookout  
TRACER: and report anythin suspicious to us directly  
  
76: That's...actually somewhat sound reasoning.  
76: Alright.  
76: Second; Emily, are you certain that you're okay with this bet?  
  
EMILY: For the third and final time; I _know_ that Lena will win.  
  
76: Alright then.  
  
SOMBRA: honestly i was expecting him to be far more upset  
  
D.VA: ^same  
  
MCCREE: Just wait  
  
SOMBRA: ?  
  
76: Finally...  
76: LENA, HAVE YOU LOST YOUR GODDAMN MIND!?!?!  
  
MCCREE: There it is  
  
SOMBRA: lmao  
  
TRACER: I know what im doing jack  
TRACER: Have a little faith, yeah?  
  
76: I wish I shared in your confidence.  
76: I'm not going to stop you.  
76: and I wish you luck  
76: but I hope you understand  
76: if you end up working for Talon  
76: and we end up on opposite ends of the battlefield  
76: I won't hesitate to shoot you.  
  
TRACER: Thanks for the vote of confidence. :\  
  
 **[SOLDIER:76 has left SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**  
  
EMILY: Comforting. :\  
  
TRACER: Its kinda understandable  
TRACER: Hes been through a lot in the last few years  
TRACER: So hes not exactly the most trusting person anymore  
  
D.VA: no excuse for being a jerk tho  
  
 **[ALEKSANDRA ZARYANOVA has entered SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**  
  
ZARYA: What is going on? Jack looks angry.  
  
D.VA: He always looks angry.  
  
ZARYA: ...  
ZARYA: Valid.  
ZARYA: Angrier than usual, then.  
  
MCCREE: Just scroll up Aleks  
MCCREE: Explaining would take too long  
  
ZARYA: ...  
ZARYA: I will bet $1000 on Lena.  
  
D.VA: man i gotta get in on this  
D.VA: ill bet $500 on widow  
  
MCCREE: Aint you like a millionaire or somthin?  
  
D.VA: its the priciple of the thing  
  
MCCREE: Fair enough  
  
 **[ANA AMARI has entered SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**  
  
ANA: are you sure that's a wise bet Aleks?  
  
ZARYA: With all due respect captain,  
ZARYA: never doubt a member of the E.L.A.  
  
MCCREE: The what?  
  
ANA: ...Lena's in the ELA?  
  
ZARYA: Indeed.  
ZARYA: I was there when she was inducted.  
  
ANA: Is this true Lena?  
  
TRACER: ...yeah  
  
ANA: ...  
ANA: I will second Zarya's wager.  
ANA: $1000 on Lena.  
  
MCCREE: Holy fuck  
MCCREE: shits gettin real  
MCCREE: but seriously though  
MCCREE: What the fuck is the ela?  
  
ANA: Nothing you need to worry about Jesse.  
  
ZARYA: If you really want to know,  
ZARYA: I will explain after a winner has been declared.  
  
MCCREE: alright i suppose  
  
SOMBRA: hmm...  
SOMBRA: i know how to make this a bit more interesting  
  
SOMBRA: @REAPER  
  
MCCREE: Huh?  
  
SOMBRA: hes always making bets before missions  
SOMBRA: either with me widow or the grunts  
SOMBRA: "bet you i get to the objective first"  
SOMBRA: "i bet i get more kills than you"  
SOMBRA: that kinda thing  
SOMBRA: im starting to think hes got a gambling problem  
  
 **[REAPER has entered SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**  
  
REAPER: **Leave me alone.**  
  
SOMBRA: come on gabe arent u gonna place a bet  
  
REAPER: **A bet?**  
  
MCCREE: scroll up  
  
REAPER: **Hm...**  
REAPER: **Tell you what**  
REAPER: **I'll place a bet**  
REAPER: **but only if Sombra does as well.**  
  
SOMBRA: *shrug* okay  
  
REAPER: **Alright then...**  
REAPER: **$5000 on Widow.**  
REAPER: **> :)**  
  
ANA: Holy shit.  
ANA: Gabe using an emoji?  
ANA: This has made my day.  
  
REAPER: **Shut up.**  
REAPER: **Your turn Sombra**  
  
SOMBRA: okay...  
SOMBRA: $5000 on Tracer  
  
REAPER: **WHAT!?**  
REAPER: **Why are you betting on HER?**  
  
SOMBRA: i have my reasons  
SOMBRA: i dont have to explain myself to you  
  
EMILY: 5000 dollars!?  
EMILY: Bloody hell!  
EMILY: I want in on this.  
EMILY: Actually, wait, I have a question.  
  
MCCREE: Shoot  
  
EMILY: How exactly does the betting work?  
EMILY: Does it all go into a pot and then the winners split the pot?  
EMILY: ...or do the losers pay the amount of their bet to _each_ of the winners?  
  
MCCREE: The second one  
  
EMILY: Alright then.  
EMILY: I don't have _a lot_ of money,  
EMILY: so I'll just bet $100 on Lena.  
  
TRACER: <3  
  
EMILY: <3  
  
ZARYA: I like this.  
ZARYA: When I win, the money will go towards that engagement ring I've had my eyes on.  
  
TRACER: !!!  
TRACER: @ZARYA Congrats!  
TRACER: Whos the lucky guy/girl?  
  
ZARYA: I have girlfriend back in Russia.  
ZARYA: You do not know her.  
  
EMILY: What's her name?  
  
SOMBRA: bet i can find out :)  
  
ZARYA: @SOMBRA Do not forget, it is my mission to kill or capture you.  
ZARYA: You will only be giving me more incentive.  
  
TRACER: Come on sombra leave it be  
TRACER: Killing stealing and blackmail are one thing  
TRACER: but messing with ppls love lives is just low  
  
SOMBRA: :\ ...fine  
  
MCCREE: Shit  
MCCREE: Buncha people are pming me their bets  
MCCREE: I cant keep track  
  
SOMBRA: seriously?  
  
MCCREE: I'm nursin a hangover  
MCCREE: leave me alone  
  
D.VA: hmm...  
D.VA: hey @SYMMETRA would u mind keepin track of the betting  
  
 **[SYMMETRA has entered SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**  
  
SYMMETRA: While I find this to be ridiculous, I do not mind keeping track.  
SYMMETRA: @MCCREE Would you mind sending me everyone's wagers?  
  
MCCREE: Yeah no prob  
  
SYMMETRA: Thank you.  
  
 **[SYMMETRA has left SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**  
  
 **[WIDOWMAKER has entered SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**  
  
WIDOWMAKER: @TRACER I have arrived at King's Row.  
  
TRACER: Right.  
TRACER: I'll pm you.  
  
WIDOWMAKER: See you soon chérie. ;)  
  
TRACER: !!!  
  
 **[TRACER has left SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**  
  
 **[WIDOWMAKER has left SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**  
  
 **[EMILY has left SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**  
  
D.VA: lol gaaay  
D.VA but seriously, gl lena n emily  
  
SOMBRA: ...  
SOMBRA: So thats happening  
SOMBRA: Now what?  
  
MCCREE: Anyone seen my hat?!  
  
GENJI: lol  
  
 **[GENJI SHIMADA has left SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**  
  
MCCREE: GENJI!!!  
  
 **[JESSE MCCREE has left SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**  
  
SOMBA: lol  
  
REAPER: **Why did I ever let them join Blackwatch?**  
  
ANA: Because despite your gruff and harsh demeanor, you're a softie at heart.  
  
REAPER: **Shut up.**  
  
ANA: lol  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**[WINSTON has entered SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**  
  
WINSTON: @EVERYONE  
WINSTON: Has anyone heard from Lena or Emily?  
WINSTON: I've tried contacting them, and I got no response.  
WINSTON: It's been two hours now and I'm worried.  
  
 **[JESSE MCCREE has entered SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**  
  
MCCREE: I aint heard nothin  
  
WINSTON: ...We really need to work on your grammar, Jesse.  
  
MCCREE: Yeeeah...no.  
  
 **[SOLDIER:76 has entered SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**  
  
76: I'll give them 2 more hours.  
76: If we haven't heard from them by then  
76: we'll have to operate under the assumption that Lena has lost.  
  
MCCREE: Okay first off  
MCCREE: You know what they say about assume  
  
76: Yes.  
76: And I don't care.  
  
MCCREE: Secondly,  
MCCREE: If Lena did lose, I'm sure theyd let us know  
MCCREE: At the very least, Reaper would be in the chat gloating  
  
76: ...yeah, you're probably right.  
  
MCCREE: =|:)  
  
76: I can't believe I'm about to do this.  
  
MCCREE: ?  
  
76: @REAPER  
  
 **[REAPER has entered SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**  
  
REAPER: **What do you want?**  
  
76: Have you heard from Widowmaker?  
  
REAPER: **...**  
REAPER: **...no.**  
REAPER: **Honestly, I was just about ready to assume that she had lost.**  
  
76: Well, if it make you feel any better, we haven't heard from Lena or Emily.  
  
REAPER: **Really?**  
  
MCCREE: Yeah, and its just kinda...weird  
  
REAPER: **Hm...**  
REAPER: **@SOMBRA Have you heard anything from Widowmaker?**  
REAPER: **...**  
REAPER: **@SOMBRA ?**  
REAPER: **@SOMBRA !!!**  
  
76: ...  
  
MCCREE: ...  
  
WINSTON: ...  
  
REAPER: **...**  
REAPER: **...shit.**  
REAPER: **That's not good.**  
  
 **[REAPER has left SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**  
  
WINSTON: Great. Now I'm even more worried.  
  
 **[WINSTON has left SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**  
  
 **[SOLDIER:76 has left SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**  
  
MCCREE: ...  
MCCREE: @TRACER @EMILY I hope yallre alright  
  
 **[JESSE MCCREE has left SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was harder to write than expected. When you're an admitted grammar snob, writing a story where half the characters don’t/won’t use proper grammar is incredibly challenging and frustrating.
> 
> Feel free to follow me on tumblr. @ marksider89


	2. Results and Revelations (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A winner has been decided! And secrets start getting exposed.

**[EMILY has entered SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**   
  
EMILY: Hello?   
EMILY: Anyone here?   
EMILY: ...   
EMILY: hm...   
EMILY: I guess I should...   
EMILY: @EVERYONE   
EMILY: ...   
EMILY: LENA WON!!!   
  
**[JESSE MCCREE has entered SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**   
  
**[WINSTON has entered SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**   
  
**[ALEKSANDRA ZARYANOVA has entered SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**   
  
**[SOLDIER:76 has entered SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**   
  
**[REAPER has entered SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**   
  
REAPER: **WHAT!?**   
REAPER: **HOW!?**   
  
MCCREE: Well i'll be   
  
ZARYA: As I expected.   
  
WINSTON: My relief is almost palpable.   
  
76: While that's all well and good,   
76: why did it take you over three hours to contact us?   
  
EMILY: It's...difficult to explain.   
  
REAPER: **Where's Widowmaker?**   
  
EMILY: She  & Lena are sleeping.   
EMILY: They're so cute together. <3   
EMILY: and it's Amelie, btw.   
  
REAPER: **What?**   
  
MCCREE: So what happend?   
  
EMILY: Well, like I said, it's hard to explain.   
EMILY: ...but I'll do my best.   
  
WINSTON: That's all we ask.   
WINSTON: Take your time if you need to.   
  
EMILY: Aww, thanks, Winston. ^_^   
EMILY: So, when Lena...won the bet,   
EMILY: Widowmaker passed out.   
EMILY: She was out for nearly half an hour.   
EMILY: Lena and I were getting pretty worried   
EMILY: ...and just as Lena was about to call Dr. Ziegler,   
EMILY: she woke back up,   
EMILY: but she was...different   
  
REAPER: **Different?**   
  
76: How so?   
  
EMILY: Well, at first she seemed confused an a bit scared,   
EMILY: but when she saw Lena,   
EMILY: she started crying.   
EMILY: She pulled Lena into a hug,   
EMILY: and she kept apologizing.   
  
WINSTON: Apologizing?   
  
EMILY: Yeah.   
EMILY: It took a while to get her to calm down,   
EMILY: and when she did...   
EMILY: well...   
EMILY: I guess the best way to describe it would be that...   
EMILY: Lena... "un-broke" her, i guess.   
  
76: "Un-broke" her?   
  
EMILY: Well, Lena told me that Amelie was kidnapped by Talon,   
EMILY: and they, like, tortured her and broke her mind,   
EMILY: so they could brainwash her into becoming Widowmaker, right?   
  
REAPER: **...**   
  
76: That's what we've been able to discern,   
76: but Gabe would know more than us.   
76: Gabe?   
  
REAPER: **Well, I wasn't working for Talon at the time,**   
REAPER: **but... yeah, that's pretty much what happened.**   
  
EMILY: Then, yeah.   
EMILY: Lena un-broke her.   
EMILY: because,   
EMILY: when she woke up,   
EMILY: she wasn't Widowmaker anymore.   
EMILY: She was Amelie again.   
  
MCCREE: Wait...   
MCCREE: are yall sayin...   
MCCREE: that all it took to undo talons brainwashin...   
MCCREE: was a damn orgasm!?   
  
EMILY: I guess?   
  
REAPER: **Un-fucking-believable.**   
  
76: Was that a pun?   
  
REAPER: **...not intentionally.**   
  
WINSTON: ...   
WINSTON: @MERCY   
  
**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER has entered SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**   
  
MERCY: Yes, Winston?   
  
WINSTON: I was wondering if you could possibly give us a prognosis on what has happened to Widowmaker.   
  
EMILY: Amelie   
  
WINSTON: Sorry.   
WINSTON: Amelie.   
  
MERCY: ...   
MERCY: Well, psychology wasn't really my forte,   
MERCY: but I do know a fair amount,   
MERCY: so I think I have an idea.   
  
WINSTON: Go ahead.   
  
MERCY: Well, when one experiences an orgasm,   
MERCY: pretty much every neuron in the brain fires.   
MERCY: So, I would theorize that,   
MERCY: after everything that had been done to Amelie's physiology,   
MERCY: when she climaxed   
MERCY: the sudden burst of activity in her brain caused a sort of...overload,   
MERCY: because it wasn't used to that level of activity,   
MERCY: and so it shut down and..."rebooted", I guess.   
MERCY: ...but that's just a theory.   
  
**[REINHARDT WILHELM has entered SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**   
  
REINHARDT: A BRAIN THEORY!   
  
76: What?   
  
REINHARDT: ...Nevermind   
REINHARDT: It's just a reference!   
  
EMILY: So yeah,   
EMILY: once we had sorted all that out,   
EMILY: Amelie said that she wanted to give Lena a propor thank you.   
  
MCCREE: Sex?   
  
EMILY: Sex.   
EMILY: And I wasn't just going to sit there and watch.   
EMILY: After all, the terms of the bet meant that she was now _our_ girlfriend,   
EMILY: and she _is_ very attractive,   
EMILY: so I joined in.   
  
ZARYA: Nice!   
  
EMILY: and Amelie certainly didn't mind.   
EMILY: So yeah,   
EMILY: that's why it took so long to get back to you.   
  
76: It took you nearly four hours to get back to us...   
76: because you were all having sex?   
  
EMILY: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯   
EMILY: #Sorrynotsorry   
  
ZARYA: I'm so proud.   
  
76: I don't believe this.   
  
EMILY: !   
  
WINSTON: Is something wrong?   
  
EMILY: Hold on...   
EMILY: Lena's awake.   
  
**[TRACER has entered SWALLOW THAT CREAMY GOODNESS]**   
  
**[TRACER has changed the channel name to LENA LICKS THE COMPETITION]**   
  
TRACER: LET IT NEVER BE SAID THAT LENA OXTON DONT KNOW HOW TO PLEASE A WOMAN.   
  
EMILY: ^   
  
ZARYA: Well done, Lena.   
  
TRACER: Thanks Aleks!   
  
ZARYA: When you get back, drinks are on me.   
  
REAPER: **I refuse to believe that you actually won.**   
REAPER: **You had to have cheated somehow.**   
  
TRACER: Oi! Just cause i can please a woman and you cant is no reason to get salty gabe!   
  
REAPER: **Don't call me that.**   
  
MCCREE: Is that really even an insult Lena?   
MCCREE: We all know Gabe's gay.   
  
EMILY: Wait, seriously?   
EMILY: I thought you guys were just joking about that earlier.   
  
REINHARDT: It's true!   
REINHARDT: Jack and Gabe used to be so sickeningly cute together!   
  
REAPER: **No we weren't!**   
  
76: We weren't together!   
  
**[ANA AMARI has entered LENA LICKS THE COMPETITION]**   
  
ANA: I can't believe you two still deny this.   
ANA: You two were everything but married.   
  
76: We were not!   
  
**[SOMBRA has entered LENA LICKS THE COMPETITION]**   
  
REAPER: **@SOMBRA Where the hell have you been?**   
  
SOMBRA: Busy.   
  
REAPER: **Doing what?**   
  
SOMBRA: nunya   
  
REAPER: **What's nunya?**   
  
**[D.VA has entered LENA LICKS THE COMPETITION]**   
  
D.VA: NUNYA DAMN BUSINESS!!!   
D.VA: ヘ( ^o^)ノ   
  
SOMBRA: ヘ( ^o^)ノ＼(^_^ )   
  
REINHARDT: Come on Gabe, even I saw that coming!   
  
SOMBRA: okay   
SOMBRA: jokes aside   
SOMBRA: down to business...   
SOMBRA: first,   
SOMBRA: i can confirm that lena won the bet.   
  
REAPER: **Damn it!**   
  
WINSTON: How do you know?   
  
SOMBRA: i hacked the mics on their communicators   
SOMBRA: duh   
  
WINSTON: I should have guessed.   
  
EMILY: You heard us?   
  
SOMBRA: yup   
SOMBRA: i heard _everything_   
SOMBRA: ;)   
  
TRACER: Did you _like_ what you heard?   
  
SOMBRA: ...   
SOMBRA: ...yeah   
  
D.VA: yeah   
  
REAPER: **Wait...**   
REAPER: **D.VA heard them too??**   
  
SOMBRA: i said i was busy ;)   
  
76: Oh my god...   
  
REAPER: **Not you too**   
  
D.VA: AT LEAST WE'RE HONEST ABT R FEELINGS SCRUBEDGELORD!   
  
REAPER: **Scrubedgelord?**   
  
D.VA: i couldnt decide if i should call u scrublord or edgelord   
D.VA: so i combined them   
D.VA: btw @SOMBRA you left ur jacket in my room   
  
SOMBRA: aww thanks conejita   
SOMBRA: ill stop by in a bit to grab it   
SOMBRA: and maybe _grab_ u too ;)   
  
D.VA: omg   
D.VA: XD   
D.VA:  <3   
  
SOMBRA: <3   
SOMBRA: anyway   
SOMBRA: secondly,   
SOMBRA: gabe is totally gay for jack   
  
REAPER: **I. AM. NOT.**   
  
SOMBRA: do i need to tell them what happened last week?   
  
D.VA: wut happened last week?   
  
REAPER: **Nothing.**   
  
SOMBRA: liar   
SOMBRA: okay then   
SOMBRA: so we were in dorado for a meeting   
SOMBRA: and we walked past an old overwatch poster w/ morrison on it   
SOMBRA: and gabe stops   
SOMBRA: and just stands there staring at it for like a full minute before he finally walked away   
  
REAPER: **See? Nothing happened.**   
  
SOMBRA: but as he left he started humming "shape of my heart" by the backstreet boys   
  
D.VA: ROTFLMAO   
  
ANA: oh god   
  
REAPER: **I DID NOT!!**   
  
SOMBRA: i recorded it   
  
REAPER: **...**   
REAPER: **I hate you so much right now.**   
  
MCCREE: Boss...   
MCCREE: Whatever respect i still had for you...   
MCCREE: it's officially gone now   
  
**[GENJI SHIMADA has entered LENA LICKS THE COMPETITION]**   
  
GENJI: Agreed.   
  
TRACER: IM TRYING SO HARD TO NOT LAUGH RIGHT NOW   
  
MCCREE: Why?   
  
TRACER: because amelie is still asleep and shes spooning me and i dont wanna wake her up!   
  
MCCREE: Fair enough   
  
EMILY: It's super cute  <3   
  
TRACER: but, @SOMBRA, what a coincidence!   
TRACER: I had a similar experience with jack last month!   
  
76: Wait, what?   
  
TRACER: Yeah   
TRACER: Last month, after my week off visiting Emily   
  
EMILY: <3   
  
TRACER: <3   
TRACER: When I got back to base,   
TRACER: the place was practically empty   
TRACER: Everyone was off on missions except jack,   
TRACER: he had just got back from a mission,   
TRACER: so he had to stay on base because Winston and Angie made it a rule that,   
TRACER: a) there must be at least 1 agent on base at all times and,   
TRACER: b) no agent can go on a mission within 24 hrs of returning from one.   
  
MERCY: We don't want anyone burning out.   
MERCY: When people get tired, they don't make the most rational decisions.   
  
WINSTON: Which could potentially jeopardize any mission that they might be on.   
  
TRACER: Right   
TRACER: unfortunately, my flight got delayed   
TRACER: so it was like 2 in the morning when i got to base   
TRACER: so i asked Athena to not alert anyone just yet   
TRACER: and as im making my way to my quarters   
TRACER: when i hear somethin   
TRACER: it was coming from the common room   
TRACER: so i peek in   
TRACER: ...and theres Jack   
TRACER: serenading an old picture of Gabe   
  
D.VA: NO WAY!! XD   
  
ANA: oh my god   
  
76: I WAS NOT!   
76: I was ranting!   
76: It was in anger!   
  
GENJI: Son, I am disapoint.   
  
76: Shut up I'm older than you.   
  
REINHARDT: Like I said, sickeningly cute.   
  
SOMBRA: what song??   
  
TRACER: When I first looked in,   
TRACER: he was singing "If You're Gone" by Matchbox 20   
TRACER: but when he finished that   
TRACER: he started into "Back Here" by BBMak   
  
SOMBRA: this is amazing XD   
  
**[FAREEHA "PHARAH" AMARI has entered LENA LICKS THE COMPETITION]**   
  
PHARAH: Am I reading this correctly?   
PHARAH: Do Uncle Jack and Uncle Gabe really have the same bad taste in music?   
  
ANA: lol yes   
  
76: Bad taste???   
  
REAPER: **Well what the hell do you listen to?**   
  
PHARAH: Hard rock and heavy metal mostly.   
PHARAH: Lately I've been into 3rd wave glam metal.   
  
D.VA: 3rd wave glam?   
  
PHARAH: Y'know, bands like Lordi, Steel Panther,  & The Darkness.   
PHARAH: Thanks Jeese.   
  
MCCREE: Yer welcome. =|:)   
  
D.VA: wAIT WHAT?   
D.VA: You don't listen to country???   
  
MCCREE: Of course I do,   
MCCREE: but that dont mean im some one-trick pony.   
  
D.VA: MIND = BLOWN   
  
MCCREE: oh fuck off back to call of duty or whatever   
  
D.VA: first of all HOW _DARE_ YOU!   
  
TRACER: ***AHEM!***   
TRACER: I think were gettin off topic   
TRACER: @MCCREE yes, gabe is gay...   
TRACER: but that doesnt mean he hasnt been with a woman   
TRACER: and I know for a fact that he has.   
  
76: What!?   
  
MCCREE: Lena...   
MCCREE: Are yall sayin that you n gabe...?   
  
REAPER: **No.**   
  
TRACER: Lol!   
TRACER: No i have not had sex with gabe   
TRACER: but i know a woman who has.   
  
SOMBRA: O   
SOMBRA: M   
SOMBRA: G!   
SOMBRA: PLEASE TELL US!!   
  
REAPER: **Please don't.**   
  
TRACER:  >:)   
TRACER: GATHER ROUND KIDDOS! ITS STORY TIME!   
  
MCCREE: Uh lena   
MCCREE: Most of us are older than you   
  
TRACER: ...   
TRACER: Do you wanna hear this story or not jesse?   
  
MCCREE: I apologize.   
  
TRACER: Thats what I thought.   
TRACER: So,   
TRACER: this was about 8 yrs ago   
TRACER: i'd been with overwatch for a little under a year   
  
D.VA: wait how old r u?   
  
TRACER: 26   
  
D.VA: so u were 17 when u joined??   
  
TRACER: yup ^_^   
  
MERCY: So was I.   
  
MCCREE: Me too   
  
D.VA: wtf!?   
D.VA: im 19 and @SOLDIER:76 keeps calling me a child!!   
  
76: I learned from past mastakes.   
76: Except for Angela   
76: She was one of the good ones   
  
TRACER: Rude.   
  
MCCREE: ^   
  
MERCY: Come on Jack, Jesse and Lena are not that bad.   
  
76: You weren't here for the cheeto incident   
  
MCCREE: I thought we agreed to never mention that again   
  
MERCY: The Cheeto incident?   
  
TRACER: You really dont wanna know   
TRACER: Anyway,   
TRACER: So id just turned 18   
TRACER: and one of the blokes from the marketing department comes up to me   
  
D.VA: you had a marketing department?   
  
TRACER: of course!   
  
JESSE: Sombra just mentioned that there were posters   
  
D.VA: o yea   
D.VA: my bad   
D.VA: @TRACER plz continue   
  
TRACER: Apparently they felt that overwatch was in need of a new poster child   
TRACER: After all, Ana & Rein were in their 50s   
TRACER: and Jack, Gabe, & Torb were in their mid/late 40s   
TRACER: No offense, guys.   
  
REINHARDT: None taken!   
REINHARDT: I'm still in the springtime of youth!   
  
ANA: Your back would beg to differ.   
  
GENJI: I should have never introduced you to Naruto.   
  
TRACER: They'd been trying to get Angie to do it, but she'd refused.   
  
D.VA: why?   
  
MERCY: I joined Overwatch to help people, not for fame.   
  
TRACER: So bc i'm young and cute af   
TRACER: they asked me   
TRACER: and of course i said yes.   
TRACER: So I got flown out to freakin hollywood for a week to do a photo shoot   
TRACER: They set me up in a nice hotel n everythin   
TRACER: but u dont wanna hear about that   
TRACER: the shoot only took 4 days   
TRACER: so i had a few days with nothin to do   
TRACER: so i decide to play tourist and explore a bit   
TRACER: and i find this cute little hole-in-the-wall bakery   
TRACER: i pop in since it was about lunchtime & im feelin a bit peckish   
  
EMILY: Lena, I swear, if you use the words "Cheeky Nandos", I _will_ break up with you.   
  
TRACER: lol, fair   
  
MCCREE: What?   
  
EMILY: Don't ask.   
EMILY: Seriously.   
  
TRACER: so   
TRACER: the place was really small   
TRACER: only like 2 tables   
TRACER: there was only 1 other customer   
TRACER: to b fair tho, it was like 2pm on a tuesday   
TRACER: the other guy left so it was just me n the owner   
TRACER: who was an attrative woman of about 40 or so   
TRACER: and me being young  & full of hormones   
TRACER: i start flirting   
  
WINSTON: Seriously Lena?   
  
TRACER: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯   
TRACER: she seemed receptive   
  
76: She was probably just being nice.   
76: Just because they're nice to you, doesn't mean they like you.   
  
TRACER: Wait for it.   
TRACER: so i learned her name is Rebecca   
  
REAPER: **...fuck.**   
  
TRACER: and as we're talking,   
TRACER: one of the ovens starts beeping   
TRACER: so she goes over and pulls out...   
TRACER: a batch of maple walnut fudge   
  
PHARAH: As in...THE maple walnut fudge???   
  
TRACER: Yup.   
  
ANA: Oh my god.   
  
SOMBRA: wait im lost   
  
D.VA: ^   
  
PHARAH: Maple walnut fudge is Uncle Gabe's favorite treat.   
  
TRACER: Exactly   
  
76: Wait. @PHARAH how did you know that?   
  
PHARAH: I don't remember exactly,   
PHARAH: but I'm pretty sure mom mentioned it at some point.   
PHARAH: I remember making some to bribe Uncle Gabe,   
PHARAH: so he wouldn't tell mom that Jesse had taken me out drinking for my 17th birthday.   
  
ANA: @PHARAH @MCCREE YOU WHAT!?!?   
  
MCCREE: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯   
  
PHARAH: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯   
  
ANA: I can't believe this.   
ANA: I'm not even sure which of you three i'm most angry at   
  
WINSTON: Three?   
  
ANA: I'm including Gabe,   
ANA: since the bribe was apparently successful.   
  
REAPER: **¯\\_(ツ)_/¯**   
  
TRACER: ANYWAY   
TRACER: i knew this too   
TRACER: So i see the fudge and i'm like   
TRACER: "omg Gabe love those!"   
TRACER:  & Rebecca freezes   
TRACER: shes like "Gabe? As in Gabriel Reyes?"   
TRACER: and I'm like,   
TRACER: "yeah, hes a coworker. u know him?"   
TRACER: she thinks for a moment   
TRACER: then she says that she'll give me the entire batch for free   
TRACER: if i promise that Gabe doesn't get even a crumb   
TRACER: i'm a bit confused, but i agree to it   
TRACER: and long conversation short:   
TRACER: Rebecca is Gabe ex-wife   
  
SOMBRA: OMFG!!!   
  
D.VA: NO WAY!! XD   
  
MCCREE: Holy shit!   
  
GENJI: *GASPS IN JAPANESE*   
  
76: @REAPER YOU WERE MARRIED?!?!?!?   
  
REAPER: **Yes.**   
  
ANA: How did none of us ever know??   
  
REAPER: **I like to keep my work life and private life separate.**   
  
TRACER: So now that we had something in common   
TRACER: the convo got so much more interesting   
TRACER: and we started swapping embarassing stories about Gabe.   
  
REAPER: **Lena, no.**   
  
SOMBRA: Lena please!   
  
PHARAH: Which stories?   
  
TRACER: Well, there was the time Jesse set off fireworks under Gabe's bed.   
  
REAPER: **I fucking knew that was you!!!**   
  
MCCREE: You were asking for it.   
MCCREE: You had been an even bigger jerk than usual that month.   
  
TRACER: or the time Genji glued Gabe's hands to his face while he was napping.   
  
REAPER: **THAT WAS YOU!?!?**   
REAPER: **I'LL KILL YOU BOTH!!!**   
  
WINSTON: How on Earth did you manage that Genji?   
  
GENJI: I'm a ninja.   
GENJI: Duh.   
  
TRACER: ...and of course,   
TRACER: Rebecca had stories of her own.   
  
REAPER: **Oh...shit.**   
  
TRACER: Like the incident at the neighborhood watch meeting.   
  
ANA: What happened?   
  
TRACER: Gabe pulled a gun on an 8-year-old.   
  
76: @REAPER You did WHAT!?   
  
REAPER: **The little brat kept screaming because his parents weren't paying attention to him.**   
REAPER: **He wouldn't shut up!**   
REAPER: **I would have been more understanding if he was under 5 or something.**   
REAPER: **But he was eight!**   
REAPER: **Tell me none of you would have been tempted to do something similar.**   
  
MCCREE: He has a point.   
  
TRACER: and then there was the incident at the waterpark.   
  
REAPER: **Okay, that one was _not_ my fault.**   
  
SOMBRA: What happened?   
  
TRACER: They went to a water park,   
TRACER: and Rebecca ran into an old friend,   
TRACER: and while they were talking,   
TRACER: Gabe get bored and is just looking around,   
TRACER: and he sees an ice cream stand.   
  
ANA: You have such a sweet tooth, Gabe.   
  
TRACER: So he's just standing there, staring.   
  
REAPER: **I was trying to read the menu.**   
  
TRACER: and he's got that look on his face   
  
GENJI: you mean this one...   
GENJI:  >:(   
  
TRACER: Lol, yeah.   
TRACER: and some guy near the ice cream stand, who apparently was drunk af, thinks Gabe is mean muggin him   
TRACER: so the guy storms up to Gabe   
TRACER: the dude doesn't even come up to Gabe's chin, lol   
TRACER: and they start arguing   
TRACER: and a fight breaks out.   
TRACER: Both of them are now banned from that water park, lol.   
  
REAPER: **He swung first.**   
REAPER: **So, again,**   
REAPER: **Not my fault.**   
  
TRACER: But the best story,   
TRACER: HAS to be the time Rebecca took Gabe ice skating.   
  
REAPER: **Lena**   
REAPER: **Please listen to me.**   
REAPER: **I am BEGGING you...**   
  
GENJI: woah, what?   
  
MCCREE: Mcfuckin wut??   
  
SOMBRA: !!!   
  
76: Did I really just read that?   
  
ANA: holy shit!   
ANA: Gabe begging??   
  
REAPER: **SILENCE!!!**   
  
TRACER: ...   
TRACER: @REAPER ...I'm listening.   
  
REAPER: **What will it take to get you to never tell that story?**   
  
TRACER: Whats your offer?   
  
REAPER: **...**   
  
SOMBRA: @REAPER well??   
  
REAPER: **I'm thinking. I'm thinking!**   
REAPER: **Okay...**   
REAPER: **I promise that for as long as I live,**   
REAPER: **I will do everything I can to ensure that Talon never harms Amelie again.**   
  
TRACER: Offer considered...   
  
76: No. Make him surrender to Overwatch.   
  
TRACER: but if I do that, talon could still get a hold of Amelie,   
TRACER: whereas this will make sure hes on his best behavior   
  
PHARAH: You sound like my mother.   
  
ANA: Lol, true.   
  
TRACER: @REAPER Offer accepted.   
  
REAPER: **...Thank you.**   
  
PHARAH: So, Lena   
PHARAH: Did the flirting work or not?   
  
TRACER: ...   
TRACER: Let me put it this way...   
TRACER: "Gabe's ex-wife"...   
TRACER: is now "Kelly's wife".   
  
SOMBRA: XD   
  
D.VA: IM CRYING   
  
76: Oh god.   
  
REAPER: **I hate you.**   
REAPER: **Let's just move on please.**   
REAPER: **So Lena,**   
REAPER: **What on Earth made you even think you would win this bet with Widowmaker?**   
  
TRACER: Well,   
TRACER: I actually had 3 distinct advantages.   
  
GENJI: WAIT!!!   
  
TRACER: ?   
  
GENJI: I'm making popcorn. Anyone else want some?   
  
MCCREE: Yall gotta ask?   
  
PHARAH: What kind?   
  
GENJI: It's all microwave popcorn   
GENJI: but we have regular buttered, extra buttery, movie theater butter, xtra cheezey, and a single bag of non buttered   
GENJI: Whose is that?   
  
**[SYMMETRA has entered LENA LICKS THE COMPETITION]**   
  
SYMMETRA: That would be mine.   
  
GENJI: Why would you actually buy that?   
  
SYMMETRA: I am lactose intolerant.   
  
GENJI: ...   
GENJI: but it's not _real_ butter.   
  
SYMMETRA: I'd rather not take any chances.   
  
D.VA: dibs on the xtra cheezey!!!   
  
TRACER: oh man, popcorn would be aces right about now   
  
EMILY: Sorry babe, but I think we're all out.   
  
TRACER: T_T   
  
SOMBRA: can i have some?   
  
D.VA: i'll share! ;)   
  
SOMBRA:  <3   
  
ANA: fuck it. popcorn break!   
  
76: Fine.   
76: but I want everyone back here in 10 minutes.   
  
D.VA: geez fine dad   
  
76: Don't call me that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there it is. Chapter 2 is done. (breathes a huge sigh of relief)
> 
> A big "Thank You!" to everyone who gave me kudos, left a comment, and/or subscribed. I hope you're still enjoying this.
> 
> Also, I know you probably still have questions (such as, "What is the E.L.A.?"), which I will address in the third and final chapter.


	3. Revelations (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll admit, I was really nervous about this one, because I don't feel that it's as funny as the others. It's more a bunch of backstory and head-canon.

**[REAPER has entered LENA LICKS THE COMPETITION]**  
  
REAPER: **Are you all done yet?**  
  
**[FAREEHA "PHARAH" AMARI has entered LENA LICKS THE COMPETITION]**  
  
**[EMILY has entered LENA LICKS THE COMPETITION]**  
  
**[TRACER has entered LENA LICKS THE COMPETITION]**  
  
**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER has entered LENA LICKS THE COMPETITION]**  
  
PHARAH: I think so.  
  
**[D.Va has entered LENA LICKS THE COMPETITION]**  
  
**[D.VA has changed the channel name to OFFICIAL OVERWATCH POPCORN & PAJAMA PARTY]**  
  
D.VA: i still dont understand y u handcuffed my gf  
  
**[SOMBRA has entered OFFICIAL OVERWATCH POPCORN & PAJAMA PARTY]**  
  
**[SOLDIER:76 has entered OFFICIAL OVERWATCH POPCORN & PAJAMA PARTY]**  
  
SOMBRA: i just wanted popcorn  
  
76: She's a criminal who works for a terrorist organization.  
  
SOMBRA: excuse you!  
SOMBRA: im freelance  
SOMBRA: i work _with_ talon when it suits my needs  
SOMBRA: nobody controls me  
  
76: Says the woman who's currently handcuffed.  
  
**[ALEKSANDRA ZARYANOVA has entered OFFICIAL OVERWATCH POPCORN & PAJAMA PARTY]**  
  
ZARYA: I will be taking her back to Russia with me,  
ZARYA: so she can answer for her crimes.  
  
D.VA: wait what did she do  
  
ZARYA: She assisted in an assassination attempt on the life of Katya Volskya,  
ZARYA: which resulted in the deaths for nearly two dozen men,  
ZARYA: four of which were by Sombra's hands.  
ZARYA: Then she proceeded to threaten Miss Volskya,  
ZARYA: and even threatened the life of her daughter.  
  
SOMRBA: i did _not_ threaten her daughter!  
  
ZARYA: You implied that bad things would happen to her if Katya did not comply with you.  
  
SOMBRA: ...  
SOMBRA: ...okay maybe i did do _that_  
  
REAPER: **@SOMBRA You said she'd escaped!**  
  
SOMBRA: she did escape,  
SOMBRA: bc i let her go  
  
REAPER: **TREASON!**  
  
**[ANA AMARI has entered OFFICIAL OVERWATCH POPCORN & PAJAMA PARTY]**  
  
**[WINSTON has entered OFFICIAL OVERWATCH POPCORN & PAJAMA PARTY]**  
  
ANA: oh shut up, gabe.  
  
WINSTON: Ana, how in the world did you manage to eat that much popcorn?  
  
ANA: its a gift.  
  
EMILY: How much did she eat?  
  
76: 9 bags.  
  
EMILY: 9 bags!?  
EMILY: ...  
EMILY: in 10 minutes?!?  
  
**[GENJI SHIMADA has entered OFFICIAL OVERWATCH POPCORN & PAJAMA PARTY]**  
  
GENJI: It was horrifying.  
  
PHARAH: Sadly, this is not new for her.  
  
GENJI: True.  
  
**[JESSE MCCREE has entered OFFICIAL OVERWATCH POPCORN & PAJAMA PARTY]**  
  
MCCREE: I still have nightmares about the chicken eatin contest.  
  
EMILY: Do I want to know?  
  
REAPER: **No.**  
  
GENJI: She ate five whole chickens.  
GENJI: The weren't even those little Cornish hens,  
GENJI: they were five _full-sized_ chickens!  
  
EMILY: Good lord!  
  
ANA: i know what i did, genji.  
ANA: ...and you can't talk,  
ANA: i've seen how you are when there's chocolate around  
  
GENJI: ...  
GENJI: Fair.  
  
ANA: now, what were we going to talk about before popcorn happened?  
  
REAPER: **Lena was going to explain her "three distinct advantages".**  
  
TRACER: righto  
TRACER: the first advantage,  
TRACER: as Aleks was so eager to point out,  
TRACER: is the fact that I am in the ELA  
  
MCCREE: Hey yeah, what is that anyway?  
  
ZARYA: @TRACER Shall I explain it now?  
  
TRACER: Go ahead  
  
ZARYA: Very well.  
ZARYA: The E.L.A. is the Elite Lesbian Association  
  
SOMBRA: lolwut?  
  
76: Are you serious?  
  
ZARYA: Why would I joke about this?  
  
76: ...  
  
MCCREE: She has a point.  
  
ZARYA: The E.L.A. is an association of lesbians (and bi/pansexual women),  
ZARYA: whose sexual abilities (with women) have been deemed to have reached "Legendary" status.  
ZARYA: It is a highly exclusive group.  
ZARYA: There are less than 50 members worldwide.  
  
MCCREE: Alright then.  
  
GENJI: how does one become a member of this group?  
  
ZARYA: You must be nominated for membership by an existing member,  
ZARYA: attend our yearly meeting,  
ZARYA: and tell the everyone present your 3 greatest sexual accomplishments.  
  
PHARAH: ...and both you and Lena are in this ELA?  
  
ZARYA: Da.  
  
TRACER: Yep.  
TRACER: Though, I havent been to a meeting since Em n I started dating.  
  
D.Va: so who nominated you both?  
  
ZARYA: I was nominated by a woman I met in Russian military.  
ZARYA: I miss her.  
  
MCCREE: What happened?  
  
ZARYA: Killed in action.  
ZARYA: Torn in half by an omnic.  
  
MCCREE: oh  
MCCREE: shit  
MCCREE: im sorry  
  
ZARYA: I have told you; I have very good reasons for not liking omnics.  
  
D.Va: okay  
D.Va: and what about lena?  
  
TRACER: ...  
TRACER: Kimiko.  
  
76: What??  
  
REAPER: **Are you serious?**  
  
TRACER: yeah.  
  
MCCREE: YES!  
MCCREE: @GENJI you owe me 50  
MCCREE: I told you she was gay  
  
GENJI: Kuso.  
GENJI: She had three kids.  
GENJI: It was a logical assumption that she was straight.  
  
REAPER: **You bet on Kimiko's sexual orientation?**  
  
MCCREE: Are yall really surprised by this?  
  
REAPER: **...no.**  
  
TRACER: She was bi, actually.  
  
GENJI: HA!  
GENJI: We only bet if she was gay or straight.  
GENJI: So, no money, McCree.  
  
MCCREE: =|:(  
  
ANA: @TRACER Was this before or after that mission in Sweden?  
  
TRACER: Just before.  
TRACER: the sweden mission was my first mission after being inducted  
  
76: Do I want to know?  
  
TRACER: honestly, i dont really remember much  
TRACER: i got pretty munted that night  
  
MCCREE: "Munted"?  
  
EMILY: British slang for "stoned/drunk as fuck".  
  
MCCREE: British slang is fuckin weird  
  
TRACER: lol  
TRACER: anyways  
TRACER: @ANA you mind tellin everyone?  
TRACER: cuz as i said  
TRACER: i dont remember much  
  
ANA: I suppose.  
ANA: This was not long before I "died".  
ANA: Overwatch had been contacted by a Swedish politician.  
ANA: He'd recieved a death threat,  
ANA: that he would be murdered at an upcoming dinner party.  
ANA: So he requested,  
ANA: (more like demanded)  
ANA: that Overwatch send a few agents to act as bodyguards.  
ANA: So the team was,  
ANA: Torbjorn, because we needed someone who could translate,  
ANA: Reinhardt,  
ANA: Lena,  
ANA: and myself.  
ANA: Torb, Rein, and Lena would attend the party, acting as bodyguards  
ANA: while I kept watch with my rifle from a nearby hill.  
  
TRACER: I got to wear a suit!  
TRACER: and I looked rather dapper if i may say so  
  
EMILY: I did not know this was something I needed in my life until just this moment.  
  
TRACER: lol, dont worry luv, im sure ill wear one for you someday ;)  
  
EMILY:  <3  
  
ANA: Thankfully, the dinner party went without incident,  
ANA: and we escorted the polititian to his home,  
ANA: and went back to the hotel.  
ANA: Rein & Torb went to their room,  
ANA: I went to the room I shared with Lena,  
ANA: but Lena decided to get a drink at the hotel bar.  
  
TRACER: i needed one.  
TRACER: that party was boring af  
  
ANA: but just as i'm about to fall asleep,  
ANA: I hear Lena get back to the room.  
  
TRACER: those rooms were really nice  
TRACER: full kitchen, dining room, living area  
TRACER: and two separate bedrooms  
  
ANA: The thing is,  
ANA: Lena wasn't alone,  
ANA: and they were making a lot of noise.  
ANA: So I get up to tell them to keep it down,  
ANA: and the room to Lena's door is open,  
ANA: so I look in,  
ANA: and there's Lena  
ANA: in bed with some Swedish twin girls  
  
SOMBRA: nice  
  
ANA: ...and their mother.  
  
D.Va: holy fuk!!!  
  
ZARYA: Well done!  
  
MCCREE: Jfc!  
  
76: Oh my god...  
  
REAPER: **Are we really discussing Lena's sex life right now?**  
  
SOMBRA: would you rather we discuss Jacks sex life?  
  
REAPER: **No.**  
  
76: Please no.  
  
ANA: don't be silly, Sombra,  
ANA: Jack doesn't _have_ a sex life.  
  
GENJI: pfft  
  
D.Va: rekt  
  
TRACER: XD  
  
76: Rude.  
  
ANA: Am I wrong?  
  
76: I'm not answering that.  
  
ANA: That means I'm right.  
  
76: No.  
76: It means I plead the 5th.  
  
SOMBRA: @REAPER @SOLDIER:76 SO U 2 _DID_ FUCK!!!  
  
76: NO!  
  
REAPER: **NO, GODDAMMIT!!**  
  
ANA: a pity  
ANA: maybe all this hostility,  
ANA: and not to mention, the fall of Overwatch,  
ANA: could have been avoided if they acutally did fuck.  
  
REAPER: **Stop.**  
  
76: Please.  
  
TRACER: but it's so fun to tease you!  
  
SOMBRA: and u make it so damn easy  
  
MCCREE: Hey wait a second!  
MCCREE: Ana didnt bet on Lena until Aleks told her that Lena was in the ela...  
  
SOMBRA: So?  
  
MCCREE: So that means that Ana knew about the ela!  
  
ANA: ...  
  
PHARAH: Mother...  
  
76: Ana...  
  
ANA: I suppose theres no use in denying it  
ANA: Yes. I used to be a in the ELA.  
  
PHARAH: WHAT!?  
  
D.Va: no way!  
  
TRACER: I FUKIN KNEW IT!!!  
  
ANA: Who do you think nominated Kimiko?  
  
PHARAH: Mother, you and I need to have a serious talk.  
  
ANA: calm down Fareeha.  
ANA: i ended my membership when i found out i was pregnant with you  
  
PHARAH: I don't believe this...  
  
EMILY: All those lucky women...  
  
PHARAH: ...What?  
  
TRACER: face it, fareeha,  
TRACER: your mom was (and still is) beautiful  
  
PHARAH: ...  
  
EMILY: It's true.  
EMILY: Ana was my first crush.  
  
TRACER: same.  
  
ZARYA: Same.  
  
TRACER: had i thought i had a chance,  
TRACER: i would have hit on ana relentlessly  
  
ANA: oh stop, youre making me blush  
  
EMILY: We'll do more than that if you want. ;)  
  
PAHARH: I'm not comfortable with this conversation.  
  
MERCY: Understandably.  
MERCY: For most people, the mere acknowledgement of their relatives in a sexual context is enough to elicit disgust.  
  
ANA: well, if you must know, I always drew the line at coworkers.  
ANA: if i hadn't, Kimiko, Amelie, Angela, and Lena would all have been in my sights  
  
MERCY: What the fuck?!  
  
76: Was that a sniper joke?  
  
ANA: lol yes  
  
REAPER: **Can we just move on to Lena's next "advantage"?**  
  
TRACER: seesh, fine  
TRACER: (anyone know if theres a good eyeroll emoji?)  
TRACER: okay so,  
TRACER: advantage 2 is that i got a hold of talons medical files on amelie/widowmaker  
  
REAPER: **What!?**  
  
WINSTON: Lena, how in the world did you manage to get your hands on, what I would assume to be, top secret Talon files?  
  
SOMBRA: me  
  
REAPER: **WHAT?!?**  
  
SOMBRA: i gave her the files  
  
REAPER: **TREASON!!!**  
  
SOMBRA: again,  
SOMBRA: i'm freelance  
SOMRBA: plus,  
SOMBRA: im paid to _find_ secrets,  
SOMBRA: not to _keep_ them  
  
D.Va: ha  
D.Va: shes got u there!  
  
REAPER: **...**  
REAPER: **Just get on with it.**  
  
TRACER: so yeah  
TRACER: i made a deal w/ Sombra for the files  
  
76: When the hell was this?  
  
TRACER: that mission in bermuda about 6 weeks ago  
  
REAPER: **@SOMBRA and you just agreed to it?**  
  
SOMBRA: she made an offer i couldnt refuse  
  
REAPER: **And what was that?**  
  
TRACER: i set her up w/ hana  
  
76: Seriously?  
  
D.Va: ^_^  
D.Va: tnx lena  
D.Va: @SOMBRA  <3  
  
SOMBRA: @D.Va <3  
  
WINSTON: Lena, how were you so certain that would work?  
  
TRACER: i have a finely honed gaydar  
  
PHARAH: Really?  
  
TRACER: yup  
TRACER: in fact, ive determined that nearly every woman currently in overwatch is either gay or bi  
  
SOMBRA: @TRACER can i tell them about the files?  
  
TRACER: uh sure, if you really want  
  
SOMBRA: so "project widowmaker" was a collaborative effort btw 3 doctors hired by talon  
SOMBRA: a neurologist  
SOMBRA: a chemist  
SOMBRA: and a psychologist  
SOMRBA: the chemist and the neurologist developed the chemicals that they used to torture amelie  
SOMRBA: and the psychologist was in charge of her brainwashing and reconditioning  
SOMBRA: and it turns out that most of the changes made to her were actually psychological  
SOMBRA: the physical changes were kept to a minimum  
  
MERCY: Interesting.  
MERCY: May I ask why?  
  
TRACER: if u remember,  
TRACER: i mentioned that widowmakers nerves were dulled  
TRACER: well...thats not quite true  
  
SOMBRA: yeah  
SOMBRA: they were gonna do that  
SOMBRA: but thankfully the neurologist actually had some sense  
  
MERCY: I admit, I did find that suspicious.  
  
REAPER: **Why?**  
  
MERCY: If they had slowed or dulled her nerves, it would also have slowed her reaction times.  
  
SOMBRA: exactly  
SOMBRA: it wouldve cause more problems than they wanted  
SOMBRA: so instead what they did was give her medication that inhibited the release of the chemicals that make u feel pain  
  
TRACER: So when she gets hurt, her body registers the blow, but her brain doesnt register the pain  
  
SOMBRA: exactly  
SOMBRA:  & its pretty much the same thing for her emotions and her heart rate  
SOMBRA: she _can_ feel emotions, she just believes that she cant  
  
TRACER: and i theorized (correctly) that that included sexual pleasure  
  
MERCY: What about her lowered body temperature?  
  
SOMBRA: specialized drugs made by the chemist  
SOMBRA: they trick her brain into assuming that shes hypothermic  
SOMBRA: so her body restricts blood flow to her extremities  
  
ANA: But what about her only feeling when she kills?  
  
SOMBRA: believe it or not, her visor is responsible for that  
SOMBRA: those extra lenses arent just for show  
SOMBRA: they watch her  
  
76: So we're being recorded?  
  
SOMBRA: tranquilo, viejo.  
SOMBRA: they watch but they dont record  
SOMBRA: and whenthey register that she killed someone  
SOMBRA: it releases a salve onto her scalp that causes her brain to release dopamine and just a tiny bit of adrenaline  
  
MERCY: This is...astounding.  
  
SOMBRA: the drugs to inhibit her emotions are usually low dosages  
SOMBRA: they only give her the stronger drugs before she goes on missions wehre she was allowed to kill  
  
76: So today she was more likely to feel than on the missions we usually encounter her?  
  
SOMBRA: yep  
  
TRACER: And thats why I made the challenge  
TRACER: bc Id read those files  
TRACER: and i knew my chances would be at their highest  
  
76: And Emily was just...okay with this?  
  
EMILY: Of course.  
EMILY: After Lena had explained what had happened to Amelie,  
EMILY: and after reading the medical files for myself,  
EMILY: I felt that something had to be done.  
  
MERCY: @SOMBRA @TRACER Could one of you send me those files?  
MERCY: If I'm going to be treating Amelie, I'd like to know what I'm getting into.  
  
SOMBRA: yeah i got you  
  
MERCY: Thank you.  
  
REAPER: **You're just going to hand them over!?**  
  
SOMBRA: ...  
SOMBRA: do i really need to explain this to you again?  
  
TRACER: ya might wanna explain the _other_ part of our agreement to him  
  
REAPER: **...What?**  
  
SOMBRA: oh yeah!  
SOMBRA: in exchange for the files,  
SOMBRA: in addition tothe date w hana  
SOMBRA: i wanted to know the most embarassing story she knew about an overwatch agent  
  
REAPER: **Please tell me you don't mean...**  
  
SOMBRA: bingo!  
SOMBRA: i know the ice skating story  
SOMBRA: muhahahahaha!  
  
REAPER: **Fuck me.**  
  
D.Va: no thnks  
D.Va: im not jack  
  
ANA: lol  
  
TRACER: LMAO  
  
76: Goddammit, please stop!  
  
D.Va: lol nevr!  
  
REAPER: **Can we just move on please?**  
  
D.Va: well geez sorry if we're interruptin ur brooding time, scrubedgelord  
  
REAPER: **Stop calling me that!**  
  
D.Va: never!  
  
SOMBRA: ur awfully impatient today  
  
REAPER: **Unlike the rest of you, I actually have things to do.**  
  
SOMBRA: thats a lie  & u know it  
  
REAPER: **No it's not.**  
  
ANA: Gabe, to himself: "6:30: Dinner with me - I can't cancel that again!"  
  
EMILY: XD  
EMILY: Bad movie, great reference.  
  
D.Va: this has been the best day ever  
  
REAPER: **CAN WE JUST MOVE ON?!**  
  
TRACER: lol  
TRACER: fine  
TRACER: my third advantage...  
TRACER: i knew exactly how to please her  
TRACER: because this isn't my first time having sex with her  
  
WINSTON: Lena, are you telling us that you've had sex with Widowmaker before?  
  
TRACER: No, not Widowmaker  
TRACER: Amelie  
  
ANA: Lena, are you saying that you had an affair with Amelie...  
ANA: while she was married to Gerard?!  
ANA: you really expect us to believe that Amelie would cheat on her husband with you?  
  
**[TRACER has gone idle]**  
  
**[EMILY has gone idle]**  
  
ANA: ?  
  
SOMBRA: !?  
  
REAPER: **What?**  
  
76: The hell?  
  
WINSTON: @TRACER? @EMILY?  
  
ANA: @TRACER YOU GET BACK HERE THIS INSTANT YOUNG LADY!!  
  
D.Va: mom mode: activated!  
  
PHARAH: I'm having flashbacks!  
  
76: @PHARAH HELP! SHE'S LOOKING FOR A ROLLING PIN!!  
  
PHARAH: MOTHER NO!!!  
  
ANA: MOTHER YES!  
  
**[EMILY has entered OFFICIAL OVERWATCH POPCORN & PAJAMA PARTY]**  
  
**[TRACER has entered OFFICIAL OVERWATCH POPCORN & PAJAMA PARTY]**  
  
EMILY: Sorry about that.  
  
WINSTON: Why did you leave?  
  
TRACER: Wait for it...  
  
**[WIDOWMAKER has entered OFFICIAL OVERWATCH POPCORN & PAJAMA PARTY]**  
  
TRACER: Surprise!!  
  
SOMBRA: !!!  
  
**[WIDOWMAKER changed name to AMÉLIE LACROIX]**  
  
AMÉLIE: Dear Talon,  
AMÉLIE: May you all rot in the foulest pits of hell for all eternity.  
AMÉLIE: Au revoir.  
AMÉLIE: ...bâtards.  
  
TRACER: lol  
  
SOMBRA: aww...  
SOMBRA: @AMÉLIE even me?  
  
AMÉLIE: ...  
AMÉLIE: Well, you did get Lena those files...  
AMÉLIE: and you were the only one in Talon who treated me like an actual human...  
AMÉLIE: so I suppose you get a pass.  
  
SOMBRA: yay!  
  
AMÉLIE: @ANA to answer your question,  
AMÉLIE: Yes, I did have sex with Lena while I was married,  
AMÉLIE: but I did not cheat on Gérard.  
  
ANA: How is that not cheating!?  
  
AMÉLIE: Because it was _his_ idea.  
  
TRACER: sthruth.  
  
76: This is insane.  
  
ANA: I don't believe you.  
ANA: Why on Earth would he do that?  
  
AMÉLIE: Gérard and I loved each other very much,  
AMÉLIE: but no relationship is perfect,  
AMÉLIE: and ours was no different.  
AMÉLIE: We had disagreements and arguments like any couple.  
AMÉLIE: However, our biggest issue was that Gérard was...asexual.  
  
MCCREE: A what now?  
  
MERCY: Seriously, Jesse?  
  
MCCREE: Hey we didnt all get no fancy schoolin'  
  
GENJI: or you're just an idiot  
  
MCCREE: Careful now, thems fightin words  
  
MERCY: If someone is asexual, it means that they are incapable (or nearly incapable) of experiencing sexual arousal.  
MERCY: People who are asexual _are_ capable of having normal romantic and even intimate relationships.  
MERCY: Many are content without sex,  
MERCY: but there are some who _do_ wish to engage in sex with their significant other,  
MERCY: and there has been some progress with hormonal therapy for those people.  
  
AMÉLIE: Indeed.  
AMÉLIE: While Gérard was asexual, I was not.  
AMÉLIE: While I did not _need_ sex, I am not a nun.  
AMÉLIE: I had enjoyed the company of a few of my fellow ballerinas before I met Gérard.  
AMÉLIE: He had offered on a few occasions to set me up with a few people, but I'd refused.  
AMÉLIE: I just didn't feel comfortable having sex with someone I barely knew.  
AMÉLIE: That is...  
AMÉLIE: until I met Lena.  
  
TRACER:  <3  
  
AMÉLIE: <3  
  
TRACER: The first time we met,  
TRACER: Id only been with Overwatch a few weeks,  
TRACER: and i was still pretty shook up from the Slipstream  
TRACER: so I had gone a bit recluse at the time  
TRACER: and one day Im having lunch in the cafeteria  
TRACER: and Gerard comes up to me and hes like,  
TRACER: "You must be the new recruit."  
TRACER: but before I can respond, he introduces himself,  
TRACER: ...and his wife.  
TRACER: and of course, me being a total gay mess i can barely get a word out  
  
AMÉLIE: It was adorable.  
AMÉLIE: Your cheeks were as red as tomatos. <3  
  
TRACER: (>///<)  
TRACER: can u really blame me?  
TRACER: you were bloody gorgeous  
  
EMILY: Still are. <3  
  
TRACER: ^  
  
AMÉLIE: Merci, mes chéris. <3  
AMÉLIE: However, even from that short meeting, I could not help but find Lena...fascinating.  
AMÉLIE: ...and Gérard sensed it.  
AMÉLIE: When we returned to our quarters, the first thing he said to me was, "You are smitten by that girl."  
AMÉLIE: I laughed it off at first,  
AMÉLIE: but I soon realized...he was right.  
AMÉLIE: Over the coming months, I found myself seeking out Lena whenever I was on base.  
AMÉLIE: Lena was still just seventeen, so we simply spent time together and got to know each other,  
  
TRACER: ^ with lots of flirting  
  
AMÉLIE: Indeed.  
  
TRACER: but then, a couple of weeks after I got back from my photo shoot in L.A.  
TRACER: I got notified that Gerard wanted to see me in his office  
  
AMÉLIE: She looked so nervous when she walked in,  
AMÉLIE: but we sat her down, and explained our...situation  
AMÉLIE: and we offered her the opportunity to take me to bed.  
  
76: I'm still having a hard time believing this.  
  
TRACER: I honestly didnt believe it either  
TRACER: I think I asked "are you sure about this?" at least 50 times  
  
AMÉLIE: It took some time, but we managed to convince her that we were serious.  
AMÉLIE: So we went to a nearby hotel,  
  
TRACER: Gerard classified it as a low-level mission,  
TRACER: where I was Amelie's official escort/bodyguard.  
  
AMÉLIE: ...and to put it simply, Lena was...magnifique.  
  
EMILY: Can confirm.  
  
TARCER: @AMÉLIE @EMILY <3!!!  
  
ZARYA: Lena?  
  
TRACER: yeah?  
  
ZARYA: I was there when you told your stories to the E.L.A.,  
ZARYA: but you never mentioned this.  
ZARYA: May I ask why?  
  
TRACER: I didn't want to tell any stories involving anyone from Overwatch  
TRACER: because they were international public figures  
TRACER: gotta let them have _some_ dignity  
  
76: Offended.  
  
REAPER: **Triggered.**  
  
ANA: @REAPER @SOLDIER:76 No one cares.  
ANA: So that's it?  
ANA: Gerard was just...okay with you having an affair?  
  
AMÉLIE: Yes.  
  
TRACER: @ANA, its not like we were having sex everyday  
TRACER: @AMÉLIE we only did it a few times right?  
  
AMÉLIE: Oui.  
AMÉLIE: That was the first,  
AMÉLIE: and we did not indulge in each other again until the Halloween party.  
  
TRACER: oh god, you were absolutely drop-dead gorgeous in that vampire outfit  
  
AMÉLIE: Merci.  <3  
AMÉLIE: And you were adorable in you werewolf costume  
  
TRACER: "adorable"?  
TRACER: it was supposed to be scary :(  
  
AMÉLIE: You will always be adorable to me, cherie. ;)  
  
EMILY: ^  
  
TRACER: <3  
TRACER: ...and the next time was the holiday party, right?  
  
MCCREE: I think I remember seein you 2 walk out of the party  
MCCREE: I thought you had just gone to the bathroom or somethin  
  
TRACER: nope :)  
  
AMÉLIE: and then there was the New Year party.  
  
TRACER: OH MAN! that night was wild!  
  
AMÉLIE: Indeed.  
AMÉLIE: I lost count of the number of times we made love that night.  
  
ANA: and let me guess, valentines day?  
  
TRACER: Actually, no  
  
AMÉLIE: Lena insisted that I spend that with Gérard.  
AMÉLIE: Which turned out to be a blessing,  
AMÉLIE: it was just a few weeks later that I was...taken.  
AMÉLIE: but I would rather not talk about that now.  
  
TRACER: yeah...we should probably get cleaned up anyway.  
  
AMÉLIE: Indeed. May I use your shower?  
  
EMILY: ...or we could save water and time by showering together. ;)  
  
AMÉLIE: That is a tempting proposition.  
  
TRACER: @EMILY have I told you that i love you?  
  
EMILY: A few times. lol.  
  
76: @TRACER Hold on a second.  
  
TRACER: ...  
TRACER: Jack...  
TRACER: I've got two beautiful women about to get in my shower,  
TRACER: and they want me to join them,  
TRACER: so what ever you have to say  
TRACER: had better be really, _really_ , _**REALLY**_ important.  
  
76: ...  
76: Two things, actually.  
  
TRACER: well, hurry up then.  
  
76: First, how do you plan on getting back?  
76: The Orca is at the base,  
76: you are the only qualified pilot,  
76: and I highly doubt that Widowmaker will be allowed to just walk through the airport without incident.  
  
AMÉLIE: With all due respect Monsieur Morrison,  
AMÉLIE: please do not call me that.  
  
REAPER: **He's due respect?**  
  
ANA: lmao  
  
MCCREE: did Reyes just make a joke??  
  
GENJI: does anyone have him on camera? i need evidence  
  
REAPER: **Shut up.**  
  
WINSTON: Actually, I can answer that for you, Jack.  
WINSTON: When I agreed to allow Emily to keep Lena's old communicator,  
WINSTON: I wanted her to have a quick way to get to safety in case she something bad were to ever happen.  
WINSTON: So I asked Satya, who agreed to allow us to use one of her teleporters.  
  
EMILY: Yep.  
EMILY: I've got the entry port here.  
  
WINSTON: And the exit is in my lab.  
  
76: ...and if someone were to follow her?  
  
WINSTON: They wouldn't.  
WINSTON: The plan is that I will destroy the exit immediately after she arrived.  
  
76: Okay...  
76: then secondly,  
76: Tracking devices.  
  
TRACER: what?  
  
76: how do we know there aren't any tracking devies on/in Amelie or her equipment.  
  
SOMBRA: the med files mention nothing about tracking devices  
SOMBRA: and ive never heard anything about trakers any of our equipment  
  
REAPER: **That's the one thing we all agreed on not using.**  
REAPER: **Strangely, the privacy of its members is one of the few things Talon actually values.**  
  
WINSTON: If it will ease your mind Jack, Torbjörn and I will check over her equipment when she gets here.  
  
MERCY: And I'll check for tracking implants.  
  
76: Fine.  
  
TRACER: Right then,  
TRACER: talk to you in a bit.  
  
**[TRACER has left OFFICIAL OVERWATCH POPCORN & PAJAMA PARTY]**  
  
EMILY: Bye everyone!  
  
**[EMILY has left OFFICIAL OVERWATCH POPCORN & PAJAMA PARTY]**  
  
**[AMÉLIE LACROIX has left OFFICIAL OVERWATCH POPCORN & PAJAMA PARTY]**  
  
MCCREE: ...  
MCCREE: well...thats happening  
  
GENJI: i hope everyone has learned a valuable lesson from this  
  
MCCREE: nope  
  
SOMBRA: *raises hand*  
SOMBRA: i did!  
SOMBRA: i learned that blackmailing gabe is awesome!  
  
REAPER: **Sombra I swear to god!**  
  
SOMBRA: lol  
SOMBRA: tranquilo, gabe, i wont tell anyone  
SOMBRA: in fact, ill uphold _both_ ends of your bargain w/ lena  
  
REAPER: **...thank you.**  
  
ANA: goodness  
ANA: with all these secrets,  
ANA: what's next?  
ANA: @PHARAH are you going to tell me that you're married or something?  
  
PHARAH: ...  
  
ANA: what?  
  
PHARAH: ...  
  
ANA: Fareeha?  
  
PHARAH: ...  
  
ANA: ...  
  
PHARAH: ...  
  
ANA: ...no  
  
PHARAH: I'm not married, mother.  
  
ANA: oh thank goodness  
ANA: you had me worried for a minute  
  
PHARAH: ...but I am engaged.  
  
ANA: ...  
ANA: WHAT?!  
ANA: ...to who???  
  
MERCY: *raises hand*  
  
ANA: Angela?? you?  
ANA: when did this happen??  
  
PHARAH: The engagement? Or the relationship as a whole?  
  
ANA: ohidontknowmabyeBOTH!?!  
  
PHARAH: It started just after you "died".  
PHARAH: Angela came up to me at the funeral.  
PHARAH: We hadn't really spoken since I left for the army.  
PHARAH: We talked, and just...connected, you know?  
  
MERCY: We kept in contact aferwards.  
MERCY: And when Overwatch was disbanded, I wasn't sure where I'd go.  
  
PHARAH: I convinced my superiors at Helix to extend an offer for her to work with my squad.  
  
MERCY: Which I accepted.  
MERCY: However, I was also helping with the war relief efforts in the Middle East,  
MERCY: so we didn't work together very often.  
MERCY: Maybe just three or four times a year.  
  
PHARAH: But it was after my last encounter with the Anubis A.I. that I realized,  
PHARAH: I didn't want to let Angela down by, you know, dying.  
PHARAH: So, the next time we went out together,  
PHARAH: I proposed.  
  
MERCY: It was so sweet.  
  
PHARAH:  <3  
  
MERCY: <3  
  
WINSTON: Congratulations.  
  
D.Va: grats!  
  
MCCREE: congrats!  
  
GENJI: i'm very happy for you both  
  
ZARYA: May you have many happy years together  
  
MERCY: Thank you all.  
MERCY: We had even bought a house together in Greece,  
MERCY: and had just finished moving in when I got the call from Winston.  
  
76: I'm with Ana right now.  
76: She's just staring at her communicator.  
76: I think she's in shock.  
  
SOMBRA: um...can I leave now?  
  
76: No.  
  
ZARYA: Of course not.  
ZARYA: You will come with me to Russia and answer for you crimes.  
  
SOMBRA: oh come on!  
SOMBRA: what if we make a deal?  
  
ZARYA: You can try, but I doubt it will work.  
  
SOMBRA: What if I give you the name of the guy who contracted us to kill Volskya?  
  
ZARYA: That would be a good place to start.  
  
SOMBRA: Oleg Peruzovic  
  
MCCREE: You made that name up.  
  
ZARYA: No. She did not.  
ZARYA: He is the son of the current president of Russia.  
ZARYA: but why would he want Katya dead?  
  
SOMBRA: simple, power  
SOMBRA: he wants to control volskya industries.  
SOMBRA: plus he's a total scumbag  
SOMBRA: you wouldn't believe the dirt i've got on him  
SOMBRA: so how bout it?  
SOMBRA: you let me go, and i release everything i've got on Peruzovic to the public  
SOMBRA: it will garner a lot of sympathy for volskya from the russian people  
  
ZARYA: ...very well.  
  
SOMBRA: yay  
  
D.Va: WHOOO!!  
  
ZARYA: However,  
ZARYA: You will still accompany me to Russia, and you _will_ apologize to Katya Volskya in person.  
  
SOMBRA: aw man, i'm not good at apologizing  
SOMBRA: but sure, whatever  
  
REAPER: **So that's it? You're just leaving Talon?**  
  
SOMBRA: do i really need to explain this _again_?  
SOMBRA: no i'm not "leaving talon"  
SOMBRA: i'm just doing what benefits me  
SOMBRA: you understand _that_ , right?  
  
REAPER: **...**  
REAPER: **Fine.**  
  
**[REAPER has left OFFICIAL OVERWATCH POPCORN & PAJAMA PARTY]**  
  
**[SOMBRA has left OFFICIAL OVERWATCH POPCORN & PAJAMA PARTY]**  
  
**[ALEKSANDRA ZARYANOVA has left OFFICIAL OVERWATCH POPCORN & PAJAMA PARTY]**  
  
MCCREE: so now what?  
  
D.Va: i still hunger  
D.Va: whos cooking 2nite?  
  
MCCREE: Rein.  
MCCREE: he's in the kitchen now  
MCCREE: whatever hes cookin it smells good  
  
**[REINHARDT WILHELM has entered OFFICIAL OVERWATCH POPCORN & PAJAMA PARTY]**  
  
REINHARDT: DINNER IS READY MY FRIENDS!  
  
**[REINHARDT WILHELM has left OFFICIAL OVERWATCH POPCORN & PAJAMA PARTY]**  
  
D.Va: cya!  
  
**[D.Va has left OFFICIAL OVERWATCH POPCORN & PAJAMA PARTY]**  
  
**[JESSE MCCREE has left OFFICIAL OVERWATCH POPCORN & PAJAMA PARTY]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it. I hope you all liked it. Thank you again for all the kudos and kind comments. They fuel me to keep writing.
> 
> Stay tuned for a bonus mini chapter, and the sequel, which will be a more traditional fic, instead of the chatlog format.
> 
> ...and if you're wondering, the name Oleg Peruzovic comes from the real names of pro wrestlers Vladimir Kozlov (real name Oleg Prudius) and Nikolai Volkoff (real name Josip Peruzovic).


	4. Bonus Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This mini-chapter is just a little something that popped into my head when I was nearly finished with chapter 3. Enjoy!

**[LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS has entered DOUBLE DICK KICK!]**  
  
**[D.Va has entered DOUBLE DICK KICK!]**  
  
LÚCIO: aw man, i can't believe i missed all the excitement.  
LÚCIO: ...and what's with the chat name?  
  
D.Va: training accident  
  
LÚCIO: ...  
LÚCIO: nvm i don't think i wanna know, lol  
  
D.Va: lol  
D.Va: but yeah it was p crazy in here  
D.Va:  & it sux u werent here  
D.Va: but thats wut u get for going on tour  
  
LÚCIO: hey, somebody gotta make that money  
  
D.Va: tru tru  
  
LÚCIO: but seriously  
LÚCIO: i'm not even sure what's most crazy or most hilarious about all that's happened  
LÚCIO: Widowmaker's brainwashing broken by an orgasm  
LÚCIO: Reaper getting blackmailed by Lena  
LÚCIO: a secret society of lesbians  
LÚCIO: Angela & Fareeha  
LÚCIO: Sombra helping Overwatch  
LÚCIO: congrats on you and the hacker, btw  
  
D.Va: aww, thnx  
D.Va: she loves to troll ppl most of the time  
D.Va: but when its just us  
D.Va: shes super sweet  
  
LÚCIO: gross  
  
D.Va: shutup XD  
  
LÚCIO: lol  
  
D.Va: so when u getin back?  
  
LÚCIO: i should be back the day after tomorrow  
LÚCIO: but right now i'm jus sitting in my hotel room, bored  
LÚCIO: you streaming tonight?  
  
D.Va: yeah  
D.Va: but im not sure what to play  
  
**[SOLDIER:76 has entered DOUBLE DICK KICK!]**  
  
76: It's 2 in the morning. Why are you awake? Go to bed.  
  
D.Va: lol no  
  
LÚCIO: dude, it's like 7pm where i am  
LÚCIO: wait, what are _you_ doing up at 2am?  
  
76: None of your business.  
  
**[JESSE MCCREE has entered DOUBLE DICK KICK!]**  
  
MCCREE: He was sexting Reyes  
  
D.Va: ew!  
  
76: I was not!  
  
MCCREE: Yes you fuckin were!  
  
76: AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?  
  
MCCREE: BECAUSE YOU SENT **_ME_** A DICK PIC BY MISTAKE!  
  
D.Va: dbl ew!!!  
  
LÚCIO: the disgust! it wont wash off!!!  
  
**[SOLDIER:76 has left DOUBLE DICK KICK!]**  
  
MCCREE: ...  
MCCREE: I'm goin back to bed  
MCCREE: If I have nightmares, yall'll know why now  
  
D.Va: yall'll???  
  
MCCREE: ...  
MCCREE: "you all will"  
  
D.Va: o  
  
**[JESSE MCCREE has left DOUBLE DICK KICK!]**  
  
LÚCIO: ...  
  
D.Va: ...  
  
LÚCIO: so...  
LÚCIO: any ideas of what to stream?  
  
D.Va: well, i could go with a classic like ogrewatch  
D.Va: but im also thinking of trying that new game pub-grounds  
  
LÚCIO: "pub-grounds"?  
LÚCIO: can't say i've heard of that one  
  
D.Va: it was inspired by that old movie about the guys who wanna go drinking and endup causing the apocalypse  
D.Va: as well as those old battle royale games  
  
LÚCIO: oh god, are those really making a comeback?  
  
D.Va: dont call it a comeback  
  
LÚCIO: lol  
  
D.Va: from what ive seen its p good  
  
LÚCIO: how's it work?  
  
D.Va: 10 teams of 3-5 (depnding on server) are dropped into a map  
D.Va:  & the map has 10 pubs/bars  
D.Va: the goal is to get a drink at each of the pubs  
D.Va: & its kill or b killed  
  
LÚCIO: what do you get for winning?  
  
D.Va: bragging rights  
  
LÚCIO: obv  
  
D.Va: and credits  
D.Va: which are just used to buy cosmetics & emotes & stuff like that  
  
LÚCIO: better than lootboxes, lol  
  
D.Va: def lol  
D.Va: u get 10 cred for each kill you make (even if u dont win)  
D.Va: 50 cred for ur team winning  
D.Va: +25 cred for each member of you team that survived  
  
LÚCIO: it actually sounds pretty fun  
LÚCIO: i say try it out  
  
D.Va: uknow what  
D.Va: yeah  
D.Va: ill do it  
  
LÚCIO: man, i wish i had my pc with me  
LÚCIO: i'd totally join you  
  
D.Va: dude!!!  
D.Va: when u get back  
D.Va: u me & sombra on a team  
D.Va: well be unstoppable  
  
LÚCIO: yeah!  
  
D.Va: hell yeah!  
D.Va: aight  
D.Va: gonna get set up 4 the stream  
  
LÚCIO: ill be watchin  
LÚCIO: so...  
LÚCIO: see ya in a bit lol  
  
D.Va: lol  
D.Va: laterz  
  
**[D.Va has left DOUBLE DICK KICK!]**  
  
**[LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS has left DOUBLE DICK KICK!]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it for this story. I hope you all enjoyed it. I currently have plans for a sequel and two one-shot side stories, so stay tuned for those.
> 
> Once again, I want to thank everyone for all the kudos and comments. They really mean a lot to me.
> 
> Yes, 'pub-grounds" is a reference to Player Unknown's Battlegrounds. I don't play PUBG, but I do think my Pub-Grounds mode would be pretty cool.
> 
> Also, I was originally going to credit NotAWerewolf42 for "Ogrewatch" because I first saw it in their story, "Lena & Amelie Hide Their Relationship - Alternate Ending" from their "Mute Lena AU" series, but apparently, it's already a meme of some kind (seriously, I had never heard of it before that fic, so...¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ )


End file.
